Whenever I hear the song Cool Change by the Little River Band, I feel like crying. If you’re not familiar with the song, it talks about time alone on the ocean and how important it is in a pre-arranged life to get away for a while. For some reason, it hits me deep every time, and sometimes it takes me to the floor.
I’ve been grappling with a simple life for a while. I’ve been digging into spiritual disciplines. I dream of green pastures and still waters. I imagine a house with space, a life with wiggle room, the perfect quiet times where God and I have this amazing, life altering connection every day.
Two things have spurred this strange unrest in my soul. One is a new awareness of the Spirit. Yes, being aware of the Spirit can bring unrest. I have to learn to hear his voice. I have to follow his lead. For now, I’m giddy with longing and anticipation, and that giddiness can make me restless.
The second is a profound weariness. Being giddy and weary at the same time is bizarre. I want the Spirit, but some tired, cynical, stone-hard part of my spirit thinks that can never happen. I need to turn a few hurts over to him: loss, illness, lost dreams. The Holy Trinity and I need to have a few honest words. There are tears to be spilled and goodbyes to be spoken to a life that was only ever possible in my head.
I’m healing from something this week. I pulled something in my back. While I do, I’m thinking more about what drives me. What do I want? What do I expect? What does God want? What is he saying to me in my disciplines? Through the clutter? My family? Where do I go from here?
Because the one thing I know is that I’m on a new journey. I know I want to remove everything that hinders this journey. I want to accept every ounce of healing he’ll offer. I want Jesus close, the Spirit whispering in my ear. Whatever it takes to hear and understand, I want to do.
For now, I’m watching spring unfold, and I’m thinking about rejuvenating my physical surroundings. Soon I’ll be decluttering again. Gardening, too. The entire yard needs an overhaul. I’m more excited about renewing my physical life as the days warm and the sun shines through my windows. My physical body seems to be saying it needs attention, as well. Maybe spring needs to visit my daily routines with a little more care for my body, my mind, my soul.
If I feel good, I’m better able to do what God wants me to do. If my life isn’t crammed with garbage, both in my home and in my schedule, I can better hear his voice. As I sit here and ponder, waiting for health, waiting for spring, waiting for clarity, I listen to a song about refreshment, retreat, and restoration. And although I’m sure the Little River Band never thought their song might help a sojourner who needs a little teary interlude between the acts of her life, I’m thankful for them. I’m giddy and tired and feeling a little stuck. It’s very much time for a cool change.